While being the hero by constantly pleasing everyone around you may seem rewarding, it can also lead to feelings of exhaustion, exploitation, and emotional drain. Prioritizing others’ needs over your own can indicate a deeper issue as it is being a people pleaser. If you’ve already identified this tendency in yourself, this article will guide you on how to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries. If you’re unsure, our previous post can help you self-reflect:
Stopping people-pleasing and setting boundaries is a process, not an event. It’s a gradual process that requires time and effort.
To stop people-pleasing and set boundaries, you must recognize your self-worth and understand that you deserve love and respect for who you are, not just for what you do or don’t do. If you tend to be a people-pleaser, you may be overwhelmed with work, social obligations that you don’t enjoy, and constantly running errands for others.
So, how can you start breaking free from this behavior and setting healthy boundaries?
From a workspace point of view, the post “Stop Being a People-Pleaser” by Harvard Business Review Speaks about how to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries at work.
Those highly responsive people-pleasers often allow others to use their time indiscriminately, thinking they might not be as good if they ignore everyone knocking on their door. They use every spare minute to attend to everyone’s issues but their own. Of course, their stuff is done at the end of the day, at night, or on weekends, hurting their family and other relationships.
When asked if you can stop people-pleasing and set boundaries at work, the media proposed 3 instances where you can think and start acting differently:
- Establish rules to let people know when you are available or approachable and when you need to focus on your own work.
- This is a great time to practice other valuable resources with bonus points on stopping people-pleasing and setting boundaries, like not over-apologizing and giving too many excuses or explanations.
- Before you volunteer for the subsequent request at your meeting, ask yourself: Do I really have the time to commit to this?
- Yes, you know how and can do it better than anybody else. Yet, learning to delegate is a must for anyone aiming to grow. You can’t do it all—or do you? Perhaps you can, but not without affecting your health or overall life.
According to CNBC, Learning how to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries is essential, as you risk burning out if you don’t.
The two sides of the coin when starting to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries:
You may always be on a double-edged sword:
Feeling guilty if you say no and resentful for saying yes to things you don’t want or can do.
So, how do you stop people-pleasing and set boundaries at work and in life?
Learning to say no. Easy, hah?
It can be.
Actually, It’s. Once you learn to be conscious of your responses, you can understand and internalize that saying no is not selfish or makes you a bad person. Just be aware of the things you already have on your plate and the available time to do them.
Learn to draw healthy lines between work and personal time; the latter is crucial and a testament to your self-worth and commitment to your well-being and mental health.
Of course, it will initially feel uncomfortable or unnatural, but this is not surprising. Remember, you have spent your whole life trying to avoid conflict at all costs, Says Calm Media and App.
It will be incredibly challenging to manage your relationships with those who profit from your people-pleasing behaviors—those from whom you take the extra load or those with whom you avoid conflicts at all costs. It would feel awkward standing on your feet, speaking your truth, or leaving them with their responsibilities.
But, the article “Setting Boundaries if You Are a People PLeaser” by Psychology Today approaches saying no by emphasizing that one’s connection with others should not be at one’s expense.
The courage to say NO in the quest to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries.
So, you got up the courage and said no.
What’s next?
Once you’ve overcome the awkward phase, you’ll have healthier, more trustworthy, and more satisfying relationships with your co-workers, family, and friends.
Boundaries are necessary guidelines for behavior and respect.
- Start your journey towards learning to stop people-pleasing and set boundaries by observing yourself:
- Notice and honor your limits. Your feelings in certain instances or circumstances are your guide. If you feel resentful, taken for granted, dismissed, or disrespected, it’s a clear sign that a boundary is needed.
- I often encourage my clients to follow their movement. When you observe yourself, you’ll notice a natural flow of your energy to things you authentically want to get involved in. With practice, you can start recognizing and honoring your natural rhythm.
Don’t go where your soul doesn’t feel called.
- Recognize yourself. At least know you are as important as anybody else:
- Remember, you are as important as anyone else. This includes caring for yourself. Also, consider your feelings as much as anyone else’s.
- Prioritizing your needs is not selfish. It’s a crucial part of maintaining healthy boundaries and fostering self-worth.
- Take your place:
- Notice and check the place from where you relate to others. Are you always the caregiver? If so, plenty of people will be willing to play the needy role. Know your place and take it. No, don’t only take it. Own your place. You can only live a fulfilling life from your genuine place.
It’s a process:
- Be aware that this is an ongoing process. Communicate your limits clearly.
- After communicating your new limits, don’t expect them to “get it” or agree with them just because you give them a weird, eye-sided look. You will inevitably find resistance. State how you will respond to them if they continue their behavior and stay consistent with your words.
- Expect everyone to stay the same. You are the one changing. You control what you tolerate and how you respond, not anyone else’s behavior.
- Changing can be uncomfortable, but it is part of the process. Embrace it. This new behavior may be unknown to you, but it’s in the interest of a better life. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. You can do this!
Although it can be difficult to stop being a people-pleaser and set boundaries initially, you are halfway there once you recognize your unhealthy habit.
Keep going.
Know yourself:
Identify your preferences. Before jumping to say yes to someone else’s request or opinion, ask yourself:
- Do I want this?
- What do I want?
- How do I want things to be?
- Is this loving to me?
Make choices that lead you in the direction you want your life to evolve.
Don't get too far away from yourself; detach from what you want in life.
Withdraw your permit to allow yourself to drift distant from your essence.
It's essential to maintain a strong connection with yourself.
Keep your authentic self in focus.
Don't allow yourself to fade away to the point where you no longer recognize the person you've become.
Reflect on your past experiences and see if there are any patterns of people-pleasing that have led you to this point.
This self-awareness is crucial for your personal growth.
A great practice to implement is starting to write down your goals and desires, which will allow you to remain connected to who you genuinely are.
Journaling regularly on this can evolve into a crystal-clear vision of who you are and what you want in life.
This clarity will make it much easier for you to say no to activities that don't align with your vision, such as excessive socializing or overcommitting, and yes to those that do, such as attending a personal development workshop or spending quality time with loved ones, thereby prioritizing your personal growth and self-improvement.
Exercise your courage muscle:
It’s not about stopping people-pleasing and setting boundaries in one day. It is a process. Take one step at a time. Give your honest point of view in the next meeting. Say no to an engagement you don’t want to go to. One boundary at a time, and keep improving yourself nonstop. You’ll get there. Be kind to yourself in the process.
Delay your response:
Stop jumping to answer. Give yourself some time to analyze the consequences of committing to what you’ve been asked to do. Then, be confident in communicating your honest response.
Exercise self-love and self-approval while learning to say no:
Expect to receive sour faces in response to your No, it’s okay. Therefore, know you are still worthy without their approval.
Stop apologizing:
For saying no. Stop apologizing for things out of your control or things that aren’t your fault. And if they are, learn not to overapologize. Let things go.
Pat yourself on the shoulder:
Encourage yourself. Speak nicely to yourself and hold sweet self-beliefs. Train your inner praiser to replace your self-critic. Positive affirmation and self-talk can be beneficial. Be kind to yourself. Know you are both being enough and doing enough. Thus, acknowledge that after a lifetime of putting other people’s needs and opinions before your own, it will initially feel unnatural to speak your truth and find your voice.
The path of self-love is anything but a race or spring. It’s a soft and gentle walk.
Review your closest social circle and replace toxic relationships and people who benefit from your people-pleasing tendencies with supportive ones willing to spend time with you beyond the profit they can make from you. Build a trustable circle.
Look for help and support.
Professional guidance can be convenient for overcoming this behavior.
Realize there’s always a choice:
Realize that you always have a choice. If there’s no choice, be aware that you might not be in a healthy relationship.
After a lifelong practice of avoiding conflicts at all costs and bending yourself to comply with a load of extra duties and commitments to maintain your relationships on the good side, the mere thought of speaking your truth or establishing limits can feel overwhelming. You may tremble just at the thought of it.
So, be gentle with yourself. You are still learning and developing new patterns and ways to relate to others.
Are we there yet? No, you are not there yet…
And that’s ok.
Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small, and don’t beat yourself up for not being where you want to be.
All external change begins internally, and recognizing yourself in this habit is already an achievement.
Start with small, constant, and consistent steps.
How can you stop people-pleasing and set boundaries while still agreeing on unwanted tasks?
Set time limits. For example, I’ll speak to you for 10 minutes because I am on my way to the door, or I’ll be there for 30 minutes only because I have another appointment.
Create power words to counteract people’s resistance to your limits.
Often known as mantras, power words talk to your subconscious mind and support your endeavors. You can use it as wallpaper on your phone or computer, on a post-it in the mirror, or as a pendant hanging in the car’s rearview mirror.
Some great Mantras to set boundaries:
- It’s my right to say no.
- My life, my rules.
- No is a complete sentence.
- I’m loyal to myself.
- This is not my circus; those are not my monkeys.
- It only needs to make sense to me.
- I am enough.
- I’m responsible for my health, time, and energy.
- I only own explanations to myself.
To sum up,
People-pleasing can be a behavior pattern you have maintained your whole life, but it doesn’t need to be permanent. Therefore, it can be unlearned and replaced with more fulfilling, healthier habits that can positively impact your life and benefit you and everyone around you.
