Pathological people pleaser?
How’s that going, girl? Wait, let me guess.
You’re just juggling with your stuff, and you’ll probably faint if you don’t fall asleep soon. However, it’s out of the question, of course, you’re going to your cousin’s birthday party, though you don’t even like her. But you don’t want her to feel bad. You’re even bringing the cake cause you’re always in charge of the cakes.
You’re late submitting the job report, which is not even your call. What did you get into that for, you ask yourself… if even when asked, you thought, what the hell? But instead, you said, no problem.
So, hopefully, you’ll do it at some point between now and dawn. And you still don’t know how to tell your boyfriend that you promised to go to your family again this weekend. Even though you had already promised to go with him to the game this time.
You are doing all this while you are going to drop off your friend’s friend, which takes you 20 minutes of detour even though you were already quite late for your appointment.
Suddenly, you can be doing some of this and not even realize you are doing something with a name: people-pleasing.
Hopefully, this could sound exaggerated to you. Or perhaps you are quite like this.
Therefore, People pleasing can refer to a broad spectrum of conduct with various reasons behind it. A pathological people pleaser may come in many shapes.
Ranging from:
people pleasing for the mere look of convenience, greed to prey on an individual, to cite a few examples to many more unhealthy habits that can make you feel like a sucker and a pathological people-pleaser.
Now, you might ask, is there something wrong with being gentle, cooperative, having good social manners, and even going above and beyond to please or indulge someone, especially if it is someone you have a unique feeling for?
Not at all. Absolutely no. That’s quite cool, indeed.
And the truth is we are all people pleasers in one way or another and to a certain extent.
So, where, in the pleasing game or the game of pleasing, does the pathological part enter?
Or where does indulgence become a problem?
Pathological people-pleasing differs from those acting out of kindness, altruism, or generosity in this one fundamental thing:
The latter can stop, but the firsts can’t. The pathological pleaser has no choice but to be.
By now, you might be wondering:
Who is a pathological people pleaser?
It’s the one who over-delivers or gives, putting others’ needs before theirs and undermining them. It’s most likely to be someone with dependent and masochistic-ish behaviors tendency.
I found and read a tremendous medical reviewed post about it: “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop” by Medical News Today.
It’s stated that a pathological people pleaser is someone with a strong urge to please others, regularly at their own expense.
If you’re a pathological people pleaser, you may modify your own behavior to mimic or blend the ones of people around you. Also, if you happen to be one, you will quickly override your needs and wants for the welfare of the needs and wants of others.
Even so, pathological people-pleasing is not yet a term for medical diagnosis or a personality disorder. Pleasing is an informal label to cluster a mixture of attitudes, such as running errands for someone else, even if you don’t have time to make your own.
Are you a pathological people pleaser for doing favors to other people? Of course, no.
But if you happen to be one, you’ll find it quite challenging to say no, even to those things you despise doing.
Why would you do such a thing?
Let’s dive into the causes:

pathological.people pleaser
What’s the root cause of being a pathological people pleaser?
It might have to do with early experiences where, most likely, your parent’s love was conditional, according to the article “People Pleasing.” by Psychology Today.
If that is the case, you may have internalized the idea that behaving well and being complacent with the important people in your life are synonymous with earning their love and approval. This belief could lead to an insecure attachment style and may even develop a fear of failure and rejection.
So, you interpret that love needs to be earned by doing what others want you to do or is based on your ability to achieve.
For example, if you get good grades, clean your room, go to bed early, don’t say bad words, and do not argue with your siblings, you are considered a “good son” by your parents. On the other hand, if any of those behaviors failed, or you were not what they considered good enough for them, they would withdraw their love or treat you coldly.
Other reasons for acting with this kind of attitude, as stated by Medical News Today adds other interesting reasons likewise: can be:
- You are lacking self-love or self-esteem.
- Struggles with social anxiety.
- Conflict is complicated for you to handle; consequently, you avoid controversy at all costs.
- Your cultural and social surroundings highly influence your sense of duty toward others.
- Trauma: latest research suggests “fight-flight-freezers” aren’t the only response of survival mode occasioned by abuse. You can also “fawn,” which is an acute version of a pathological people pleaser. This means you can try to win the favor of people you fear by flattering them as a means to survive, or you can attempt to get to someone’s good side. Also, read our post “Coming out of survival mode.”
- Trauma, mainly when it occurs within essential relationships, profoundly shapes behavior. This relational trauma can manifest in various ways:
- Living with Danger: Some endure years with individuals who pose a threat they cannot easily escape, leading to what is known as “Trauma with a big T.” In such cases, fawning becomes a strategy to avoid harm, reflecting an intense form of people-pleasing.
- Substance Abuse and Codependence: When living with someone battling addiction, the dynamics can foster a sense of codependence. Here, people-pleasing may emerge to maintain harmony or control amidst chaos.
- Emotional Neglect: Growing up in environments where emotional needs are ignored teaches one to suppress their own desires to make room for others.
- In all these scenarios, the common thread is the learned behavior that one’s own needs don’t matter. The good news? This behavior can be unlearned, offering hope for transformation and healing.
Being a girl, girls:
- Gender inequity: Girls, here we go again. The mentioned media refers to gender Inequality. I’ll break it down for you. Here’s the thing: you are a girl. So, obviously, you are supposed to take care of “girl things,” such as looking after others. You are meant to do it. It’s what everybody is expecting from you, at least. You have, by nature, maternal instincts. That makes you more prone and adequate to caring for others than men. So, as you have internalized this idea enough, you, as a woman, feel that you must put others, especially your partner’s, needs above your own. And I bet you, even if you don’t, you will most likely meet a partner with these expectations of you sooner rather than later. Who understands you have specific duties and roles to fulfill because you are a woman. This understanding can resonate with you, too.
How Do Boundary Issues Contribute to People Pleasing?
Boundary issues play a significant role in fostering people-pleasing behaviors. Here’s how they intertwine:
- Overthinking Others’ Perspectives: People with boundary challenges often feel compelled to anticipate and understand what others—friends or complete strangers—want or think about them. This can lead to constant second-guessing of one’s own actions.
- Emotional Overwhelm: People tend to feel engulfed by others’ emotions and needs. This emotional invasion can become so overwhelming that it drives individuals to seek solitude to regain their sense of self.
- Identity Shifting: It becomes second nature for someone with weak boundaries to adjust their personality to match what they believe others desire. The fear of disapproval can make it difficult to maintain authenticity.
- Difficulty Saying ‘No’: The inability to refuse requests stems from a deep-seated fear of disappointing others. The need to satisfy everyone makes declining even the most unreasonable demands daunting.
- Feeling Responsible for Others: Along with catering to others’ needs, there’s often a misplaced sense of duty to manage or improve others’ emotional well-being, leading to unnecessary burdens.
- Attracting Exploitative Relationships: Such boundary issues make individuals more susceptible to attracting people keen to take advantage of them, knowing they can manipulate them easily.
- Unbalanced Dynamics: Relationships can become skewed even with people who mean well. Over-accommodating partners or friends often feel the need to give more than they receive, leading to imbalance.
Understanding these dynamics is a step toward reclaiming personal space and fostering healthier interactions. Establishing firm boundaries can pave the way to genuine and reciprocal relationships.
Understanding Boundaries, Self-Esteem, and Dissociation Issues
When we talk about problems with boundaries, self-esteem, and dissociation, we’re often looking at the aftermath of trauma. Specifically, trauma that arises within significant relationships that have deeply influenced us.
The Role of Relational Trauma
Many individuals who struggle with these issues have spent years in relationships with individuals who were harmful or unsafe. This is often referred to as Trauma with a capital T. Such experiences may condition us to adopt extreme people-pleasing behavior, known as “fawning,” as a survival mechanism to mitigate potential conflict or violence.
The Impact of Emotional Neglect
For others, the issue stems from emotional neglect. This neglect isn’t always apparent through abuse or overt mistreatment. Instead, it happens when the emotional needs of the individual are ignored or dismissed, leaving them feeling unseen and unheard.
In some family dynamics, seemingly well-intentioned individuals might unintentionally neglect a child’s emotional needs due to challenging circumstances, such as dealing with the illness of another family member or financial and relationship conflicts. As a result, these children often learn to suppress their own needs, trying to help lighten the burden on their loved ones.
The Persistent Effects of People-pleasing behavior
Across these varied experiences, a consistent theme emerges: the sidelining of personal needs, desires, and emotions. In these environments, the focus centers on accommodating others, leaving little room for one’s emotional expression.
This conditioning sticks with us, manifesting as people-pleasing behaviors, which are learned responses rather than innate personality traits. The good news is that these behaviors can be unlearned with time, effort, and the proper support.
Moving Forward
Overcoming these patterns is entirely possible. Reclaiming personal boundaries and improving self-esteem often involves re-learning to value one’s own emotions and needs. It’s a journey of reverting to one’s true self, emphasizing that while dissociation and low self-esteem may have roots in past experiences, they are not permanent states.
How do you know if you are a pathological people-pleaser? What are the characteristics?
Here’s a list of signs common to a pathological people pleaser. The more checks you get on the list, the higher your score on people-pleasing attitude and behavior. So, you are likely to:
- Lack self-love
- Struggle with your sense of worthiness.
- Prioritize other’s needs, undermining your own.
- You’re probably too nice and/or overly polite.
- You don’t stand up for yourself.
- Accept other’s impositions.
- You can’t say no.
- You feel as worthy as you can meet other’s needs and expectations.
- Relay on praise from others to acknowledge your worth.
- Over apologize.
- Find excuses for others’ misbehavior while taking blame for their actions.
- You put yourself in unwanted situations for the sake of “peace” or to maintain a relationship.
- You apologize even for demanding your rights if you dare to do so.
- Often, you take charge of extra duties.
- Regularly take on extra work without remuneration or even if you don’t have the time.
- You overcommit to any compromise.
- Rarely will you express your honest opinion.
- To avoid friction is more important than anything else.
- You are overwhelmed for not having time for yourself.
- You feel taken advantage of often.
What Are Some Signs of Having Boundaries Issues?
Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is crucial for emotional health and balanced relationships. It may signal boundary issues if you often accommodate others at your own expense. Here are some signs to look out for:
- Mind Reading Tendencies: Constantly trying to guess what others expect or think of you, even if you barely know them, can indicate a lack of boundaries.
- Emotional Overload: You might feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and needs, leading you to seek solitude as a way to recharge and protect your energy.
- Identity Shifts: There’s a strong urge to adapt your personality to fit what others expect of you, making it difficult to maintain your authentic self in social situations.
- Difficulty Saying No: You struggle to refuse requests, even when they are unreasonable because you fear disappointing others or causing conflict.
- Emotional Responsibility: You frequently feel like you have to manage the emotions of those around you, trying to solve their problems or ease their discomfort.
- Attracting Manipulative Individuals: A pattern of drawing in people who exploit your kindness and lack of refusal can be evident.
- Imbalanced Relationships: Relationships in your life often feel one-sided, where you give more than you receive, even in seemingly positive interactions.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward redefining boundaries and fostering healthier connections with others.
How being a pathological people pleaser can harm you?
This behavior can harm you, your relationships, and those around you.
- You can’t give what you don’t have. If you prioritize everybody else’s needs and say yes to every request, you will likely feel tired, stressed, and neglected. You lack the energy to cope with your overbooked life, overloaded work duties, and a long list of unfinished errands.
- Modifying your responses and behaviors to the complacency of those around you will result in inauthentic behavior, ignoring your authentic wants and needs. You may even doubt your identity and lose track of who you are.
- You can overlook and undermine your physical and mental health.
- Well-intentioned actions or “good acts” from the wrong place will not benefit anybody, including you, in the long run. Unauthentic kindness can be a breeding ground for bitterness, anger, resentment, sadness, and frustration. It can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, a silent form of revenge.
- Troubled relationships: Your inability to say no and avoid conflict can profoundly undermine your relationships not only for the implications within the relationship itself but also in the context of conflict of interests between the different roles a person may have. In plain words, you need to taste the water. If your responses in your family are against your partner’s interest and you cannot say no to them, sis, you are in trouble.
To summarize:
If you often do things you don’t enjoy or agree with and your reasons for doing many of your endeavors come from the outside, in the form of compromises or social pressures, not within, you are likely to be pathological people-pleasing.
Your reasons for behaving in such a manner can arise from early experiences where you wrongly understood that your worthiness comes from your ability to please others and that love is something to be earned.
Sometimes you might have learned to ease a loved one’s burden by suppressing your own needs. And focus instead on fulfilling the expectations others place upon you. This can create a lasting pattern where your own emotions, wants, and needs are sidelined, giving precedence to those of others. This imbalance in relational dynamics can lead to believing that your value is tied to how well you accommodate others, fostering a deep-rooted tendency to please.
This approach to life can be detrimental to your well-being, overall health, and relationships. By continuously prioritizing others, you may find yourself drained, disconnected from your own desires, and struggling to form authentic connections. Understanding this cycle is crucial to breaking free and reclaiming your sense of self.
You risk damaging the trust and bond in your relationships. By constantly presenting yourself as inauthentic and harboring resentments towards the ones you yield to avoid conflict. This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Further harming the connection in the long run.
Remember, is impossibility of saying yes to anyone without facing a conflict of interest in a group of people.
Also, read Powerful Things To Know About Self-Love so you can start improving your relationship with yourself today.