Pathological people pleaser?
So, you are people-pleasing, hah?
How’s that going, girl? Wait, let me guess.
You’re just juggling with your stuff, and you’ll probably faint if you don’t fall asleep soon. However, it’s out of the question, of course, you’re going to your cousin’s birthday party, though you don’t even like her so that she won’t feel bad. You’re even bringing the cake cause you’re always in charge of the cakes.
You’re late submitting the job report, which is not even your call. What did you get into that for, you ask yourself… if even when asked, you thought, what the hell? But instead, you said, no problem. So, hopefully, you’ll do it at some point between now and dawn. And you still don’t know how to tell your boyfriend that you promised to go to your family again this weekend, even though you had already promised to go with him to the game this time.
You are doing all this while you are going to drop off your friend’s friend, which takes you 20 minutes of detour even though you were already quite late for your appointment.
Suddenly, you can be doing some of this and not even realize you are doing something with a name: people-pleasing.
This could sound exaggerated to you, or perhaps you are quite like this.
People pleasing can refer to a broad spectrum of conducts with various reasons behind it. A pathological people pleaser may come in many shapes.
Ranging from:
- people pleasing for the mere look of convenience,
- greed to prey on an individual,
- to cite a few examples….
- To many more unhealthy habits that can make you feel like a sucker and a pathological people-pleaser.
Now, you might ask, is there something wrong with being gentle, cooperative, having good social manners, and even going above and beyond to please or indulge someone, especially if it is someone you have a unique feeling for?
Not at all. Absolutely no. That’s quite cool, indeed.
And the truth is we are all people pleasers in one way or another and to a certain extent.
So, where, in the pleasing game or the game of pleasing, does the pathological part enter?
Or where does indulgence become a problem?
Pathological people-pleasing differs from those acting out of kindness, altruism, or generosity in this one fundamental thing:
The latter can stop, but the firsts can’t. The pathological pleaser has no choice but to be.
By now, you might be wondering:
Who is a pathological people pleaser?
Are you a pathological.people pleaser ? A pathological people pleaser may know it’s a pathological pleaser but can’t help or stop its behavior.
It’s the one who over-delivers or gives, putting others’ needs before theirs and undermining them.
It’s most likely to be someone with dependent and masochistic behaviors tendency.
I found and read a tremendous medical reviewed post about it: “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop” by Medical News Today.
It’s stated that a pathological people pleaser is someone with a strong urge to please others regularly at their own expense. If you’re a pathological people pleaser, you may modify your own behavior to mimic or blend the ones of people around you. Also, if you happen to be one, you will quickly override your needs and wants for the welfare of the needs and wants of others.
Even so, pathological people-pleasing is not yet a term for medical diagnosis or a personality disorder. Still, it’s an informal label used to cluster a mixture of attitudes, such as running errands for someone else, even if you don’t have time to make your own.
Are you a pathological people pleaser for doing favors to other people? Of course, no. But if you happen to be one, you’ll find it quite challenging to say no, even to those things you despise doing.
Why would you do such a thing? Let’s dive into the causes:
pathological.people pleaser
What’s the root cause of being a pathological people pleaser?
It might have to do with early experiences where, most likely, your parent’s love was conditional, according to the article “People Pleasing.” by Psychology Today.
If that was the case, you might have internalized that well-behaving and being complacent with the essential people in your life were synonyms for gaining their love and approval. This may have caused you an insecure attachment style and even made you develop a fear of failure and rejection.
So, you interpret that love needs to be earned by doing what others want you to do or is based on your ability to achieve.
For example, if you get good grades, clean your room, go to bed early, don’t say bad words, and do not argue with your siblings, you are considered a “good son” by your parents. On the other hand, if any of those behaviors failed, or you were not what they considered good enough for them, they would withdraw their love or treat you coldly.
Other reasons for acting with this kind of attitude, as stated by Medical News Today adds other interesting reasons likewise: can be:
- You are lacking self-love or self-esteem.
- Struggles with social anxiety.
- Conflict is very difficult to handle for you, consequently, you avoid controversy at all costs.
- Your cultural and social surroundings highly influence your sense of duty toward others.
- Trauma: latest research suggests “fight-flight-freezers” aren’t the only response of survival mode occasioned by abuse. You can also “fawn,” which is an acute version of a pathological people pleaser. This means you can try to win the favor of people you fear by flattering them as a means to survive, or you can attempt to get to someone’s good side. Also, read our post “Coming out of survival mode.”
- Gender inequity: Girls, here we go again. The mentioned media refers to gender Inequality. I’ll break it down for you. Here’s the thing: you are a girl. So, obviously, you are supposed to take care of “girl things,” such as looking after others. You are meant to do it. It’s what everybody is expecting from you, at least. You have, by nature, maternal instincts. That makes you more prone and adequate to caring for others than men.
So, as you have internalized this idea enough, you, as a woman, feel that you must put others, especially your partner’s, needs above your own.
And I bet you, even if you don’t, you will most likely meet a partner with these expectations of you sooner rather than later. Who understands you have specific duties and roles to fulfill because you are a woman.
This understanding can resonate with you, too.
How do you know if you are a pathological people-pleaser? What are the characteristics?
Here’s a list of signs common to a pathological people pleaser. The more checks you get on the list, the higher your score on people-pleasing attitude and behavior. So, you are likely to:
- Lack of self-love
- Struggle with your sense of worthiness.
- Prioritize other’s needs, undermining your own.
- You’re probably too nice and/or overly polite.
- You don’t stand up for yourself.
- Accept other’s impositions.
- You can’t say no.
- You feel as worthy as you can meet other’s needs and expectations.
- Relay on praise from others to acknowledge your own worth.
- Over apologize.
- Find excuses for others’ misbehavior while taking blame for their actions.
- You put yourself in unwanted situations for the sake of “peace” or to maintain a relationship.
- You apologize even for demanding your rights if you dare to do so.
- Often, you take charge of extra duties.
- Regularly take on extra work without remuneration or even if you don’t have the time.
- You overcommit to any compromise.
- Rarely will you express your honest opinion.
- To avoid friction is more important than anything else.
- You are overwhelmed for not having time for yourself.
- You feel taken advantage of often.
How being a pathological people pleaser can harm you?
This type of behavior can be quite harmful, not just for you but also for your relationships and the people around you, who your behavior patterns can hurt.
- You can’t give what you don’t have. If you prioritize everybody else’s needs and say yes to every request, you will likely feel tired, stressed, and neglected. You lack the energy to cope with your overbooked life, overloaded work duties, and a long list of unfinished errands.
- Modifying your responses and behaviors to the complacency of those around you will result in inauthentic behavior, ignoring your authentic wants and needs. You may even doubt your identity and lose track of who you are.
- You can overlook and undermine your physical and mental health.
- Well-intentioned actions or “good acts” from the wrong place will not benefit anybody, including you, in the long run. Unauthentic kindness can be a breeding ground for bitterness, anger, resentment, sadness, and frustration. It can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, a silent form of revenge.
- Troubled relationships: Your inability to say no and avoid conflict can profoundly undermine your relationships not only for the implications within the relationship itself but also in the context of conflict of interests between the different roles a person may have. In plain words, you need to taste the water. If your responses in your family are against your partner’s interest and you cannot say no to them, sis, you are in trouble.
To summarize:
If you often do things you don’t enjoy or agree with, and your reasons for doing many of your endeavors come from the outside, in the form of compromises or social pressures, not within, you are likely to be pathological people-pleasing.
Your reasons for behaving in such a manner can arise from early experiences where you wrongly understood that your worthiness comes from your ability to please others and that love is something to be earned.
This approach to life can be detrimental to your well-being, overall health, and relationships. You risk damaging the trust and bond in your relationships by constantly presenting yourself as inauthentic and harboring resentments towards those you yield to avoid conflict. This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior, further harming the connection in the long run.
Additionally, you can be exposed to inter-relational pressure due to the impossibility of saying yes to anyone without facing a conflict of interest in a group of people.
Also, read Powerful Things To Know About Self-Love so you can start improving your relationship with yourself today.
Are you a pathological people pleaser?
