Self-forgiveness allows you to live.
We all make mistakes and have regrets as part of the human experience.
But did you know that holding onto these mistakes and refusing to forgive yourself can lead you to misery? On the other hand, self-forgiveness is not just a way to let go of the past. It’s a key to unlocking personal growth and happiness. By forgiving yourself, you open the door to a brighter future.
As Maya Angelou wrote:
“I have made many mistakes and no doubt will make more before I die. When I have seen pain, when I have found that my ineptness has caused displeasure, I have learned to accept my responsibility and to forgive myself first, then to apologize to anyone injured by my misreckoning. Since I cannot un-live history, and repentance is all I can offer God, I have hopes that my sincere apologies were accepted.”
You can’t un-live life. Including both what went right and wrong.
There’s no such thing as an UNDO button.
Self-forgiveness is not about erasing what happened. It’s about transforming it into wisdom. When you choose to forgive yourself, you loosen the grip of guilt and create space for growth, peace, and self-respect.
This practice of befriending yourself—learning to be on your own side instead of judging or abandoning yourself—is deeply aligned with the principles I explore in Befriending Myself: Learning To Be On My Own Side.
What is self-forgiveness about?
Self-forgiveness is not about dismissing or justifying your past actions. It’s about learning from them, growing through self-compassion, and understanding that you are human and prone to mistakes. Self-forgiveness is an essential part of building a healthy relationship with yourself.
Why is it difficult?
In How to Forgive Ourselves, The Calm Journal tells the significant reasons why it’s sometimes difficult to leave your past mistakes behind and forgive yourself, and it has to do with:
- Emotional blockages
- Patterns of thought
- Fear of being vulnerable
Nevertheless, when you forgive yourself, you can move forward and improve your mental and physical health.
Remember, self-compassion is a crucial part of this journey, allowing you to accept and love yourself despite your past mistakes.
Once you eliminate guilt, you automatically enhance your self-esteem, making you more capable of realizing your worth and moving towards better relationships, personal growth, and a positive mindset. Indeed, it’s a much better approach to life and more productive than ruminating about your guilt and regrets.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” — Maya Angelou
The Calm Journal also presents a practical approach to self-forgiveness, ‘The 4Rs of Self Forgiveness,’ a step-by-step guide to help you find self-forgiveness and a path forward. These steps are not just theoretical concepts; rather, they are actionable strategies you can implement in your life.
Practicing the 4 Rs of self-forgiveness:
The 4Rs — a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Cornish and Dr. Wade, widely used by mental health professionals — offer a clear path forward:
- Responsibility: Embrace the power that comes with accepting responsibility for your actions, reactions, and emotions. This step is not about blame but acknowledging your role and taking control of your narrative. It’s about empowering yourself to change and grow.
- Remorse: Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel about the situation—grief—and then move on. Don’t stay there too long.
- Restoration: If possible and safe, apologize, amend, and get closure. Despite this, remember you don’t need to see others to do this. Do it with and for yourself.
- Renewal: Learn from your mistake. What can you take from that? How can you learn from what has happened?
Afterward, if your thoughts of “what has happened,” regrets, or guilt are invading your everyday life and making it difficult for you to forgive yourself, you can build a healthier habit by reserving a space of your time to process the experience of the event tormenting you.
You are setting an appointment or date with yourself instead of allowing a rant of thoughts and emotions to crash into any given moment.
Set aside time every afternoon for the following ten days to work on the particular feelings or events you want to work with.
Breaking this into a step-by-step process:
You’ll have an outline like the following, similar to the one I posted on Instagram regarding pain.
Choose a time during the day to permit yourself to feel sorrow, anger, or regret. By creating a comforting space to feel and process your emotions, you’re taking a proactive step to prevent and halt disruptive thoughts that may invade your daily life. Schedule this’s my time at the same time every day.
- Sit in a quiet place at the scheduled time and allow yourself to worry, regret, or think about the situation.
- Be as honest and extended as you feel comfortable. Write it all out, cry it all the way, whatever feels right. You can even scream it out, whether relevant or appropriate.
- Finish the session with closure words: I let go of what was, renounce what could not be or should have been, and I am kind to myself as I learn to forgive myself and others.
Feeling guilt and shame won’t change the past, but it can rob you of the joy of the present and the potential of the future. It’s like carrying a heavy burden that slows you down and prevents you from moving forward.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to forgive myself for wasn’t the mistakes I made in ignorance — those are kinda easy — it was the ones I made with full awareness. Staying in places I already knew I needed to leave. Or doing — allowing things I knew were hurting me. Letting others’ voices drown out my own, trusting their certainty over what I already knew inside.
That’s a particular kind of wound. Because you can’t tell yourself you didn’t know. You did. And you stayed or did it anyway.
What I’ve learned is that those moments were less failures of character than they were failures of self-trust or value. And self-trust and worthiness, like self-forgiveness, are something we rebuild one brave honest choice at a time.
A short tale about self-forgiveness
Here’s a little story from Sharon M Koening’s “The Cycles of the Soul.” by “Ediciones Obelisco.“
The tale tells about an island inhabited by just two people: one indicted man and one policeman. The policeman decided to jail the defendant, only to realize he was creating a problem. As he was the sole resident on the island, there was no relay to watch the prisoner’s door. He had to stand guard at the door all the time. Otherwise, the man could escape. The policeman was free yet could go nowhere.
So do you each time you refuse to forgive:
You held your culprit, prisoner, alongside you.
Also, read:
You can learn about Self-Love by reading our next article, “Powerful Things To Know About Self-Love.“
Have you ever struggled to forgive yourself for something you did with full awareness? What helped you move forward — or what’s making it hard? Share in the comments below.
Ready to work through what’s keeping you stuck?
Arlene De Angelis is a keynote speaker, author, and founder of The Self-Love Journey. Civil Engineer with a Master’s in Construction Administration — PUCMM. Certified Polyvagal Institute Practitioner, Family Constellations and Systems practitioner, and Kripalu-trained yoga teacher. Inner Engineering practitioner — Isha Foundation / Institute for Inner Science. Level 2 Life Force Energy Healing — Deborah King Center. Advanced student and White Hat Volunteer of Dr. Joe Dispenza. Trauma studies — PESI / Trauma Research Foundation. She guides individuals and organizations to create a life and business they love — from the inside out.