Forgiveness is for you. It’s a gift to yourself. So, forgive them all, even if it’s out of selfishness.
What is Forgiveness?
An agreed definition of Forgiveness is:
-According to both Greater Good Magazine and Mayo Clinic.
“The deliberate and conscious decision of resign to revenge, resentment and grudges feelings toward those who hurt you.”
The first source, located at the University of California, Berkeley, is renowned for its research and academic excellence that aims to bridge the gap between the educational community and the general public.
The second one, Mayo Clinic, is a top-ranked hospital in the United States.
The article “Forgiveness. Defined” by Greater Good magazine emphasizes that Forgiveness is independent of whether it’s deserved. It also highlights that as crucial as it may be to define and understand Forgiveness, it’s to clarify what is not.
What is not Forgiveness?
Experts who study or teach Forgiveness emphasize what Forgiveness is not:
- It’s not overlooking or denying the severity of an offense committed against you.
- It isn’t about forgetting.
- Neither does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.
- It isn’t an obligation to Reconnect or reconcile with those who wronged you.
- It is not a release from legal responsibility.
May I add Forgiveness is not a “Don’t worry, be happy” proposal?
Back to what DO is Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a means of moving you, as a forgiver, closer to freedom and peace of mind.
It frees you from anger, bitterness, and hatred.
There will always be circumstances that hinder you from holding positive feelings toward the ones who hurt or damaged you. But, as experts agree, forgiveness requires at least letting go of the negative emotions. Not for anybody but you. Forgiveness is for you and to set you free.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s a powerful tool that empowers and restores your sense of agency.
It puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life. Allowing you to steer towards a brighter, more peaceful future.
You might not be able to delete the pain of what happened to you. What is done, it’s done. Forgiveness is for you to gain your power back.
But forgiving can make the thing that happened stop defining you any longer. It enables you to move forward and heal.
By the same token, Forgiveness frees you from the control of the person who hurt you. It allows you to focus on yourself again.
Image by Canva Ai.
Deserving forgiveness:
As I was discussing in a post of mine on Instagram a time ago, I used to like a quote that says something like:
“Those who are able to understand are able to forgive.”
Unknown
Until I realized that it puts Forgiveness in the hands of others.
Once you have made sense of what is going on or the reason behind people’s behaviors, it’s when you will be able to forgive. Isn’t that so? Well, Good luck with that.
While you keep putting Forgiveness in:
- The situation,
- the circumstances or
- the reasons,
You are involving a judgment.
Therefore, you may think that by forgiving someone, you are granting them grace or doing them a favor. However, you must remember that forgiveness is not for them but for you.
The major drawback of this approach is that there will be many opportunities for incomprehensible, unbearable, and unjustifiable behavior.
In that scenario, you’d be entirely within your rights not to forgive—technically, yes. And you will even be right.
But by not doing so, you remain attached to pain and what hurt you.
A question to ponder:
Thus, the proper question becomes:
What emotions do you want to feel in your life and allow yourself to experience?
If experiencing such things as:
Bliss, joy, happiness, and love would be the most desirable to you; then, by choosing those emotions, and only those, you free yourself and others.
Yes, it takes practice, courage, and inner work.
Another yes, it’s easier to blame.
But it keeps you trapped.
When you become 100% responsible for your emotions,
you realize forgiveness is about you and only you,
as bitter as it may taste.
No matter what or who, no matter when or how,
now it’s in your hands,
That will free you.
Embracing Forgiveness is not about letting others off the hook. It’s about setting yourself free from resentment and bitterness. It’s a liberating act that allows you to move forward. May we use this reminder as a mantra:
Forgiveness is for you
Benefits of Forgiveness:
According to the Mayo Clinic post, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness.”
Forgiving can have many benefits, such as:
- Improving your relationships.
- Improve your mental health.
- Reducing anxiety, distress, and hostility.
- Reducing depression.
- Lowering blood pressure.
- Strengthening the immune system.
- Improving heart health.
- Increased self-esteem.
Forgiveness is for you. The Nelson Mandela legacy.
You can’t speak about forgiveness without talking about Nelson Mandela. As we learn from the article “Love and Forgiveness in Governance,” despite having been prevented from attending his mother and son’s funeral while in prison and the bitterness of not having been able to say a final farewell to those who matter most to him, he said,
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Nelson Mandela
After being released from jail and becoming the first black president of South Africa, he taught us valuable insight by looking back. He recognized that he had lost his best years incarcerated. But he was also aware that he wouldn’t have become the man he did without being there. Jail was the changing factor in his life. By sitting down alone with himself, he had the opportunity to look inside and transmute his whole being.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it’s such a powerful weapon.”
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In his book Long Walk to Freedom, Nelson Mandela says no one is born hating others for any reason. But as people are taught to hate, they can also be taught to love.
On the other hand, researchers are now exploring topics such as group forgiveness.
This type of forgiveness is about forgiving as a collective, drawing from socio-political situations, for example.
Another study area is self-forgiveness. It’s about forgiving oneself for past mistakes or wrongdoings. Both these forms of Forgiveness are crucial for personal growth and Healing.
To summarize:
Forgiveness implies the intention and conscious decision to leave resentment behind, not for the sake of those who hurt you, not even because they deserve it, but for your own well-being.
FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU
Explore about Self-Love here.
