Forgiveness is for you. It’s a gift to yourself. So, forgive them all, even if it’s out of selfishness.
What is Forgiveness?
An agreed definition of Forgiveness is:
-According to both Greater Good Magazine and Mayo Clinic.
“The deliberate and conscious decision of resign to revenge, resentment and grudges feelings toward those who hurt you.”
The first source, located at the University of California, Berkeley, is renowned for its research and academic excellence that aims to bridge the gap between the educational community and the general public.
The second one, Mayo Clinic, is a top-ranked hospital in the United States.
The article “Forgiveness. Defined” by Greater Good magazine emphasizes that Forgiveness is independent of whether it’s deserved. It also highlights that as crucial as it may be to define and understand Forgiveness, it’s to clarify what is not.
What is not Forgiveness?
Experts who study or teach Forgiveness emphasize what Forgiveness is not:
- It’s not overlooking or denying the severity of an offense committed against you.
- It isn’t about forgetting.
- Neither does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.
- It isn’t an obligation to Reconnect or reconcile with those who wronged you.
- It is not a release from legal responsibility.
May I add Forgiveness is not a “Don’t worry, be happy” proposal?
Now, back to what forgiveness IS
Forgiveness is a means of moving us, as forgivers, closer to freedom and peace of mind.
It frees us from anger, bitterness, and hatred.
There will always be circumstances that make it difficult to hold positive feelings toward those who hurt or damaged us. But, as experts agree, forgiveness requires at least letting go of the negative emotions. Not for anybody but ourselves. Forgiveness is for us — and it sets us free.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s a powerful tool that empowers and restores our sense of agency.
It puts us back in the driver’s seat of our lives, steering toward a brighter, more peaceful future.
We might not be able to delete the pain of what happened. What is done, is done. Forgiveness is how we gain our power back.
But forgiving can make what happened stop defining us. It enables us to move forward and heal.
By the same token, forgiveness frees us from the control of the person who hurt us. It allows us to focus on ourselves again.
Image by Canva Ai.
Deserving forgiveness:
As I was discussing in a post of mine on Instagram a while ago, I used to like a quote that says something like:
“Those who are able to understand are able to forgive.” — Unknown
Until I realized that it puts forgiveness in the hands of others.
Once we’ve made sense of what is going on or the reason behind people’s behaviors, it’s when we’ll be able to forgive. Isn’t that so? Well, good luck with that.
While we keep putting forgiveness in:
- The situation,
- the circumstances or
- the reasons,
We are involving a judgment.
Therefore, we may think that by forgiving someone, we are granting them grace or doing them a favor. However, we must remember that forgiveness is not for them but for us.
The major drawback of this approach is that there will be many opportunities for incomprehensible, unbearable, and unjustifiable behavior.
In that scenario, we’d be entirely within our rights not to forgive — technically, yes. And we would even be right.
But by not doing so, we remain attached to pain and what hurt us. This is why reclaiming our power and learning to stand on our own side — a practice I explore in detail in Befriending Myself: Learning To Be On My Own Side In A World That Taught Me Otherwise — becomes essential.
One of the worst things that can happen to us is being right. Because when we’re right — when they lied, deceived, betrayed, or hurt us, and we have every reason in the world to hold on to that resentment — that “rightness” becomes the very thing that keeps us imprisoned.
A friend once told me I should be ashamed for still speaking to certain people. My answer was simple: if I hate them, I either become like them or I stay a prisoner of a past that no longer lives in me. I happen to have a bad memory for grudges. Not because what happened didn’t hurt — it did. But at some point, many of those people became so distant from who I am now that it’s as if I never knew them. And in some cases, what I feel is something like vintage affection: you mattered once, even if today I don’t know who you are anymore.
The question that matters is never “do we have the right to be angry?” — we do. The question is: do we want to keep living inside these emotions?
A question to ponder:
Thus, the proper question becomes:
What emotions do we want to feel in our lives and allow ourselves to experience?
If experiencing such things as bliss, joy, happiness, and love would be most desirable to us — then, by choosing those emotions, and only those, we free ourselves and others.
Yes, it takes practice, courage, and inner work.
Another yes, it’s easier to blame.
But it keeps us trapped.
When we become 100% responsible for our emotions, we realize forgiveness is about us and only us, as bitter as it may taste. No matter what or who, no matter when or how, now it’s in our hands,
That will free us.
This is where forgiveness becomes part of the relationship we build with ourselves — one grounded in emotional maturity and inner freedom.
Embracing forgiveness is not about letting others off the hook. It’s about setting ourselves free from resentment and bitterness. It’s a liberating act that allows us to move forward. May we use this reminder as a mantra:
FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU
Benefits of Forgiveness:
According to the Mayo Clinic post, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness.”
Forgiving can have many benefits, such as:
- Improving your relationships.
- Improve your mental health.
- Reducing anxiety, distress, and hostility.
- Reducing depression.
- Lowering blood pressure.
- Strengthening the immune system.
- Improving heart health.
- Increased self-esteem.
Forgiveness is for you. The Nelson Mandela legacy.
We can’t speak about forgiveness without talking about Nelson Mandela. As we learn from the article “Love and Forgiveness in Governance,” despite having been prevented from attending his mother and son’s funerals while in prison — and the bitterness of not being able to say a final farewell to those who mattered most to him — he said:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” — Nelson Mandela
After being released from jail and becoming the first Black president of South Africa, he offered us a valuable insight by looking back. He recognized that he had lost his best years incarcerated. But he was also aware that he wouldn’t have become the man he did without being there. Jail was the changing factor in his life. By sitting alone with himself, he had the opportunity to look inside and transmute his whole being.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That’s why it’s such a powerful weapon.” — Nelson Mandela
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In his book Long Walk to Freedom, Nelson Mandela says no one is born hating others for any reason. But as people are taught to hate, they can also be taught to love.
Researchers are also exploring group forgiveness — forgiving as a collective, drawing from socio-political situations. And then there is self-forgiveness: learning to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and wrongdoings. If that’s the work you’re ready to do, this is for you:
→ Return To Life By Self-Forgiveness
Both are crucial for personal growth and healing.
To summarize:
Forgiveness implies the intention and conscious decision to leave resentment behind — not for the sake of those who hurt us, not even because they deserve it, but for our own well-being.
FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU
Explore about Self-Love here.
Have you ever held on to resentment because you knew you were right? What helped you let go — or what’s making it hard? Share in the comments below.
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Arlene De Angelis is a keynote speaker, author, and founder of The Self-Love Journey. Civil Engineer with a Master’s in Construction Administration — PUCMM. Certified Polyvagal Institute Practitioner, Family Constellations and Systems practitioner, and Kripalu-trained yoga teacher. Inner Engineering practitioner — Isha Foundation / Institute for Inner Science. Level 2 Life Force Energy Healing — Deborah King Center. Advanced student and White Hat Volunteer of Dr. Joe Dispenza. Trauma studies — PESI / Trauma Research Foundation. She guides individuals and organizations to create a life and business they love — from the inside out.