I used to believe I was the one telling the story of my life. Turns out, my nervous system was the real narrator all along.
Every thought, reaction, and emotion I had was just a reflection of the state my body was in. Once I understood that, everything changed. Because there’s never just one story—there are always three, depending on which part of your nervous system is leading the way.
1. The stories we live inside
Our reality isn’t objective—it’s filtered.
Through memory, emotion, and bodily sensation, we make meaning of everything that happens. That meaning becomes our story.
But what if that story isn’t coming from your conscious mind… but from your body?
2. The hidden storyteller: your nervous system
The autonomic nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety or threat. It decides whether we can relax, take action, or shut down—long before our mind catches up.
When it feels safe, we’re open and connected. When it senses danger, we shift into defense. Each state tells a different version of reality. Understanding this is the foundation of nervous system regulation—the art of moving consciously between these states.
As you begin noticing how your nervous system guides your reactions, you can also start tuning into your body’s subtle signals. Learning to listen deeply to these cues allows you to trust your intuition and make decisions from a place of clarity. For practical steps on connecting with your inner guidance, check out Inner Guidance: How To Trust Your Body & Intuition, where I explore exercises to feel your body’s wisdom more fully.
3. Understanding the Polyvagal Theory
According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system operates through three main pathways:
- Ventral vagal (parasympathetic) — safety and connection
- Sympathetic — fight or flight
- Dorsal vagal (parasympathetic) — shutdown and withdrawal
Each pathway colors how we see the world, the story we tell ourselves, and even how we interpret other people’s intentions.
“If our nervous system detects safety, then it’s no longer defensive. When it’s no longer defensive, then the circuits of the autonomic nervous system support health, growth, and restoration.” — Stephen Porges
For a clear, research-based overview of how the autonomic nervous system works, the Cleveland Clinic explains how these subsystems coordinate everything from your heartbeat to your emotions, forming the physiological backdrop of every “story” you live.
4. The Ventral Vagal State: when life feels safe and open
In the ventral vagal state, the body feels calm and the mind feels clear.
You breathe easily. Your face softens. You can listen, connect, and create.
This is where love, curiosity, and possibility live. You trust yourself. You feel grounded. Life feels like it’s unfolding with you, not against you.
5. How the Ventral Vagal story sounds
Imagine your partner doesn’t reply to your text.
From this state, the story sounds like:
“They’re probably busy. We’ll catch up later.”
There’s no panic, no self-blame—just space and patience. The ventral vagal story is one of safety and trust. You still see nuance. You can imagine good intentions.
This matches what Positive Psychology highlights: when the nervous system feels regulated, emotional intelligence and resilience naturally rise. You don’t force positive thinking—your biology allows it.
6. The Sympathetic State: when life feels urgent
“There is no such thing as a ‘bad’ response; there are only adaptive responses.” — Stephen Porges
When the sympathetic system takes over, your heart rate and muscle tension increase. The body prepares to fight or flee.
This isn’t “bad”—it’s the energy of life itself. The problem arises when we stay here too long. Chronic activation becomes anxiety, restlessness, or anger. Everything starts to feel urgent, even when it isn’t.
7. How the Sympathetic story sounds
Same situation: your partner doesn’t reply.
Now the story sounds like:
“They’re ignoring me. I must’ve done something wrong.”
Your mind races to defend against rejection or control the unknown.
The story feels real because your body feels unsafe.
As Harvard Health explains, this stress response evolved to protect us—but modern life keeps it on a permanent loop. Learning to recognize and calm this state is key to reclaiming mental balance.
8. The Dorsal Vagal State: when life feels heavy or far away
Then there’s the dorsal vagal shutdown—the system’s emergency brake.
When neither fight nor flight feels possible, we go still.
You might feel disconnected, unmotivated, or numb. The world seems distant, your thoughts slow down, and everything feels meaningless.
It’s not weakness—it’s physiology trying to protect you.
9. How the Dorsal Vagal story sounds
Again, same scenario: no reply.
From dorsal vagal, the story is:
“It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing I do changes anything.”
You withdraw, not because you don’t care—but because caring feels too costly.
Understanding this brings compassion. You realize: you’re not broken, you’re just in shutdown.
The Guardian recently explored how nervous system dysregulation can mimic depression or burnout, yet requires a different approach—gentle reconnection, not self-blame.
10. Hybrid states: where healing and creativity happen
Between these primary states lie beautiful blends—places of dynamic balance.
Think of play (mobilized yet safe) or deep intimacy (calm yet alert).
These hybrid states are where we heal, create, and grow. Movement, laughter, dance, and connection all help your nervous system “practice” flexibility.
That flexibility is the essence of nervous system regulation.
Hybrid nervous system states—those moments of calm yet alert energy—are fertile ground for creativity and growth. When you allow yourself to explore your passions, your nervous system supports expansion rather than stress. To dive deeper into aligning your unique gifts with meaningful purpose, visit Finding Your Passion and Purpose: A Step-by-Step Guide to Transform Your Life, where I guide readers through practical steps to uncover what truly excites them.
11. Rewriting the story: from awareness to choice
Once you can name your state, you no longer confuse it with your identity.
You start to see: “I’m not anxious—I’m in sympathetic activation.”
That awareness turns reaction into response.
You can pause, breathe, move, and shift the story from your body up, not your mind down.
When you begin to understand your nervous system, you start to see your patterns — not as flaws, but as intelligent adaptations. What once looked like overreacting, shutting down, or needing control becomes a story of how your body tried to keep you safe. And that changes everything. Because self-love isn’t about fixing yourself; it’s about seeing yourself clearly, with compassion.
The moment you replace judgment with curiosity, healing begins. You stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start wondering, “What happened to me — and how can I support myself now?” That shift is where real transformation starts.
“We don’t solve problems when we’re frightened. We solve problems when we’re safe with others.” — Stephen Porges
12. Practices to shift your state
You can’t think your way out of a nervous system pattern—you must feel your way through it.
Here are a few evidence-based ways to regulate:
- Breathing: Slow exhales activate the ventral vagal pathway.
- Grounding: Feel your feet, your breath, the present moment.
- Movement: Walk, stretch, dance—let the energy move through.
- Co-regulation: Safe connection with others repairs your nervous system.
- Self-compassion: Speak kindly to yourself as you’d to someone you love.
These align with practical guidance from Hackensack Meridian Health, which outlines accessible ways to reclaim calm through daily nervous system exercises—proof that small actions can reshape deep patterns.
Implementing nervous system regulation practices is easier when they fit seamlessly into daily life. Simple routines—like mindful movement, grounding, or self-compassion—can transform your day from reactive to intentional. For a complete view of how these small habits come together in a real-life context, see A Day in the Life of Self-Love, where I share practical examples of living self-love every day.
13. Final reflection: You’re not broken — you’re just telling the story from the wrong state
Your nervous system is always writing your experience.
When you feel safe, the story is full of hope and connection.
When you feel threatened or shut down, the story shrinks.
But you can learn to listen—to notice which story your body is telling and gently choose another one.
You’re not broken.
You’re just telling the story from an altered state.
And that means you can always write a new one.
Every moment of awareness and self-compassion is like planting a seed in your nervous system—a new story waiting to grow. Over time, these seeds blossom into trust, resilience, and joy. To explore this metaphor further and learn how to nurture your inner growth, check out Planting Seeds of Love: Trust Your Inner Seasons, where I share how seasonal cycles mirror the way we cultivate self-love.