Do You Live a Chosen Life? — or Is It Accidental?
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself whether the life you’re living is one you truly chose — or is it simply a life that unfolded around you, shaped by expectations, survival strategies, and habits you didn’t even realize you adopted?
Most people live what I call an accidental or incidental life. It’s not necessarily a “bad” life. It’s simply a life that continues because we learned to survive, to belong, and to meet the expectations placed on us.
But there comes a moment when that life no longer feels enough. You notice a gap between what you do and who you truly are. This is when the idea of choosing your life becomes not just inspiring but necessary — and the first step is understanding the difference between belonging and fitting in.
Belonging vs. Fitting In
Brené Brown beautifully explains:
Brené Brown beautifully explains:
“Fitting in is about assessing what people need you to be and adjusting. Belonging is being accepted for who you are.”
Fitting in is the mask we wear to avoid rejection. It’s bending our voice, emotions, and even desires so we don’t upset the people or systems around us. The hidden cost? Every time we adjust, we give away a piece of our personal power. We feel fragmented, exhausted, and often disconnected from ourselves without even realizing it.
Belonging, on the other hand, requires integrity and presence. It’s showing up as we are, with our contradictions, our strengths, our vulnerabilities. We won’t always be approved of — and that’s okay. Living from belonging is living from authenticity, and it’s the foundation for a chosen life.
Think of our life like a stage:
- If we’re always performing a role, we’re fitting in.
- If we’re showing up fully, with fear, doubt, and sometimes mistakes, we’re living in belonging.
This distinction is what separates an accidental life from a chosen life. One keeps us comfortably powerless, the other moves us toward agency.
Sense of Agency: Claiming Your Power to Choose
Agency is your capacity to act intentionally, to make choices that reflect who you truly are. Many people feel like they have no control — that they are reacting to life rather than shaping it. But the truth is: we’re always choosing, even if it’s just how we respond to circumstances.
Living a chosen life doesn’t mean everything will be easy or predictable. It means claiming your power:
- Notice where you’re on autopilot.
- Identify small decisions that align with your values and desires.
- Practice these choices consistently, even when they feel insignificant.
Every conscious choice restores your agency and moves you away from the helplessness of an incidental life.
Powerless vs. Powerful: Reclaiming Inner Strength
There’s a fine line between feeling powerless and feeling powerful. An accidental life programs us to believe we have no control: “This happened to me; I can’t change it.” Choosing a life, on the other hand, teaches us:
- Power isn’t about controlling everything.
- Power is about aligning your actions with your truth.
- Power is the courage to step into life as a co-creator, not a bystander.
The journey from powerless to powerful starts with small, intentional acts: saying no when you need to, setting boundaries, listening to your intuition, and taking one step toward what feels alive for you. Over time, these small acts accumulate into a life that feels like yours.
Reflection & Integration
Ask yourself:
- Where in my life am I fitting in instead of belonging?
- Which decisions do I make on autopilot?
- What small choices can I take today that reclaim my agency and power?
Here’s a simple practice:
- Take 10 minutes to journal about one area where you feel life is “happening to you” instead of being co-created by you.
- Identify one action — no matter how small — that reflects your values or desires.
- Commit to it. Celebrate it. Repeat.
Life doesn’t suddenly become chosen. It becomes chosen one conscious decision at a time. And with each decision, you reclaim a piece of your agency, step closer to authenticity, and move from feeling powerless to truly powerful.