What is the underlying reason for perfectionism or perfectionist behavior?
Why is it that some people strive for perfection?
So, what truly lies beneath the surface of perfectionism?
Is perfectionism improving your life or ruining it? Moreover, where does it stem from?
Let’s find out together and cut to the chase.
Content:
- Perfectionism: definition
- Dynamics that might lead to a perfectionistic way of thinking.
- Common Behaviors in parents of perfectionist adults
- Types of perfectionism
- Consequences of perfectionism concerns.
Common questions around the topic of perfectionism:
- Have you considered that perfectionism could be a product of societal pressure to succeed and achieve perfection in all aspects of life?
- What about the possibility that perfectionism may stem from a fear of failure or a need for control?
- How would you address those who argue that perfectionism is a personality trait that cannot be attributed to outside factors?
- What lies at the core of perfectionist behavior?
Perfectionism: definition
What is a perfectionist anyway?
Perfectionism is a dysfunctional schema for self-evaluation that is over dependant on the achievement of highly personal demanding standards.
Shafran, Cooper, and Fairburn
If you are a Perfectionist, you might have a unique way to evaluate your performance in life.
As says Roz Safran in the interview “Perfectionism, self-criticism, and Maternal Criticism: A Study of Mothers and Their Children,” written by Sarah Clark for Science Direct Media. Safran is an award-winning and best-seller author, psychologist, and researcher.
When you are a perfectionist, not only you will pay special attention to the slightest sign of failure. But also, you might impose unachievable high standards on yourself as well.
Thus, you’ll always have a reason to complain about yourself. A diminished image perpetuates a negative image in your own eyes.
Let’s say that you unexpectedly reach your unachievable, unbearable high standards. You will almost certainly diligently raise the bar. Indeed, it is likely that each time you succeed in your affairs, you will put it down to luck, the help of others, or, for whatever reason, seldom your abilities.
In your quest for perfection, you will always perpetuate a vicious cycle of both:
Self-criticism and low self-worth.
A study by Dr. Shafran, who has made outstanding contributions to clinical research, suggests that self-criticism is the cornerstone of perfectionism.
A little story:
I used to believe that being a perfectionist was proof of high professionalism. Therefore, it was my custom to aspire to perfection in everything I built. I am a civil engineer who worked for many years developing housing projects until it no longer made sense… But that’s a story for another day.
Today’s story is about perfectionism. The thing is, as soon as I stepped into the building works, my gaze could identify absolutely everything that was “less than perfect.”
Eventually, I realized that my construction workers practically ran out of breath right after my arrival at the construction site while the atmosphere could be cut with a knife.
I’m sorry for that, by the way.
Waking up:
Through a tender moment with my then-toddler, I became conscious of what I was doing or how I was acting. By that time, I was finalizing several vacation villas in a town about an hour’s drive from where I live.
Reluctant to leave my son with babysitters, I used to spare the time my kid spent at preschool [ which starts as soon as one year old, btw] to do some work things. In the afternoons, I would stay with him at home or take him with me wherever I needed to go.
So, as It was already the finishing touches stage, nothing dangerous remained at the place; I took him with me once in a while. After a few visits accompanying me, why not? Of course, perfectly attired for the occasion with jeans, boots, and a plaid shirt, he started doing this:
With frown brows and grim expression, he would point several places, saying: thizzz, thizz, this…Stunning! What great mirrors are children for their parents! As such, I realized I needed to do something about it.
I was going above and beyond to make things more than perfect, but the question is: Why?
What is at stake when nothing appears to be good enough for you?
However, what are the reasons for perfectionist behaviors?
If it wasn’t about high professionalism, after all. What exactly was fueling this drive for perfectionism?
The reason for developing perfectionism and self-criticism has yet to be clarified.
Nevertheless, a study performed by Barrow & Moore published by Researchgate, both counseling psychologists, suggests that it might involve how parents and children relate to each other.
Oh, no, not parents again…
Dynamics that can derive into a perfectionistic way of thinking:
Some childhood experiences and dynamics can lead you to develop a perfectionistic way of thinking.
So, if you endured one or more of these, you are likely to strive for perfection:
- You had hyper-critical parents.
- Your parents were overly demanding.
- You dealt with excessively high parental expectations.
- Your parents, directly or indirectly, criticize you.
- Your parents’ approval was inconsistent or conditional.
Notwithstanding, I found some surprising data that was overly contrary to what I might have thought.
The fact that a mother is a perfectionist won’t predict her daughter’s perfectionist behavior. Instead, the intent of that mother to control her daughter’s behaviors and endeavors will determine whether she becomes a perfectionist. As we read in a study by Soenens and Vansteenkiste, experts on Developmental, Personal, and Social Psychology, in SelfDeterminationTheory.org,
How is criticism internalized?
Not being or feeling enough can be devastating. Similarly, the inability to fulfill or meet the high standards imposed by some parents (your parents) can be equally overwhelming.
Therefore, you become more sensitive to criticism as a child and eventually become a highly sensitive adult.
If you have a critical and recriminatory attitude toward your child, it will undoubtedly leave a negative imprint on the kid. Critics and recriminations will be internalized as not being good enough.
Why would my mom or dad criticize me other than because I am flawed? This will be the idea internalized in this Child’s mind. It would never cross their sweet minds that there’s something wrong with their parents’ behavior. And even if they do, they will blame themselves.
If you were that kid, probably as a containment measure, you made a habit of trying to avoid any possible future failures and the criticism and recrimination associated with them.
So, you put in place a whole system of error correction mode, looking to prevent faults, anticipating, overdelivering, and stressing out.
Common Behaviors in Parents of Perfectionist Adults
Research has found common denominators in the behavior of parents of perfectionist adults. This is shown in a study performed by leading psychologist experts like Mongrain and others by Koestner, Zuroff, and Powers.
Perfectionist adults, of course, often are highly critical of themselves. In the search for the meaning of this, researchers wanted to know what happened to these people when they were kids, so they asked them a lot of questions.
When asked how their parents treat them, they found a series of similar responses and opinions.
How were the parents of perfectionist adults?
They said their parents were:
- Rejecting.
- Critical.
- Demanding strong obedience.
- Cold (or shallow levels of closeness).
- Half-hearted
- Controlling.
- Hyper critics.
- Hash
“Perfectionism refers to individuals setting extremely high standards for themselves and developing unreasonable fear for making mistakes“
Flett, and Hewitt. Frost, R. O. and Stoeber, J. and Otto
Sidenote:
Even though perfectionism has strong negative consequences, a study by Stoeber & Otto shows an exception. They distinguished two types of perfectionism:
- A positive perfectionism: perfectionistic strivings or a healthy pursuit of excellence.
- A negative perfectionism: perfectionistic concerns or neurotic worries for perfectionist concerns.
Here, we are focusing on the negative concern of perfectionism.
Although little research has been done exploring the origins of perfectionism, experts Frost, R. O., Hewitt, P. L., and Flett, G. L.’s research suggests in the same order of ideas that negative perfectionism seems to have originated in family dynamics, in addition to parenting styles.
Perfectionism can be a trauma response to harsh home environments and hectic and stressful families.
The attempt to perfect everything that has to do with you:
your image, actions, and your results
might be your way to strive to regain self-control in an uncontrolled and inefficient environment or circumstances.
In the same vein, the article “Exploring Family Origins of Perfectionism: The Impact of Interparental Conflict and Parenting Behaviors” by Science Direct says that parenting styles are not the only ones that lead to self-criticism.
Relationship conflicts between parents inevitably spill over into the parents’ relationships with their kids. Those issues can also lead to hyper-criticism and perfectionist behaviors and have the potential to change the dynamics between parent and their child.
Stressed-out parents might change how they interact with their children and discipline them, and the children are also exposed to greater levels of stress.
Consequences of perfectionism concerns:
Studies have shown that self-criticism is not the only thing that is derived from perfectionist behaviors. Also, it can cause or aggravate mental or psychological conditions, such as:·
- Depression
- anxiety
- self-harm
- and eating disorders
Without the proper approach, Perfectionism can become a path for a lifetime. Studies have shown that neurotic behaviors and lack of self-awareness increase as perfectionists get older. According to researcher Thomas Curran, PhD, “In the article Rising Parental Expectations Linked to Perfectionism in College Students” written for the American Psychological Association. He is an assistant psychological and behavioral science professor at the London School of Economics and Political Science.
What to do once you realize you have a perfectionist behavior?
Keep reading:
Powerful Things To Know About Self-Love
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